Advice for the Unspeakable


Dear Editors,

I have been a big fan of your Books of Unspeakable Madness series for many years—I’m especially fond of your special editions bound in human flesh. Recently, however, I have run into a spot of trouble and I am hoping you will be able to help me out.

Last weekend, I was performing a ritual from your latest version of the Necronomicon for Dummies. The ritual itself went seamlessly; my neighbours have ceased their quibbling about the property line. In fact, they are quite eager to erect a fence as soon as possible! But my problem lies in the basement, where a mass of loathsome, tentacled creatures have taken up residence. My wife is unable to reach the laundry room without being repeatedly groped and she is now threatening to leave me if I don’t deal with these spawn of Cthulhu immediately. I’ve tried, but none of the removal incantations in the book are working.

Please help!

–Dabbling Disciple


Dear Dabbler,

First of all, allow us to offer our congratulations on your successful ritual! Disputes with neighbours are the worst. It’s so nice when you can resolve problems without having to kill anyone.

Now, regarding the issue of Cthulhu’s spawn in your basement. As a novice, you may not realize what a blessing you’ve received, but the Lord of the Old Gods does not often treat his disciples to such a prize! That said, dealing with a writhing mass of tentacled younglings is certainly not a cakewalk, so I can understand your wife’s frustration.

Might I recommend that you relocate your laundry room? Perhaps your wife will be more inclined to stay if she can attend to the laundry in peace.

I would also recommend adding some enrichment to your spawns’ environment, such as toys, puzzles, small vehicles, or anything else they can rip to shreds. Studies have shown how much this benefits their emotional and physical development. You should also ensure they are eating a high-quality diet. They are particularly fond of babies, but in a pinch, organic, grain-fed goats will do.

Of course, if you have your heart set on removing them, we can put you in touch with another disciple who would be thrilled to take them off your hands. However, we probably don’t have to mention that this would likely incur Cthulhu’s wrath and lead to your inevitable—and incredibly painful—demise.

Good luck!

–The Mad Editors


I wrote this tongue-in-cheek advice column for the WordPress Weekly Writing Challenge: Dear Abby.

I’m also linking up with the yeah write Moonshine Grid for the first time. It’s one of the Speakeasy‘s sisters, where bloggers go to relax on the weekends. You should totally check it out.


Image credit: cute-death / deviantART

33 thoughts on “Advice for the Unspeakable

  1. The “For Dummies” series really does cover every topic! I wonder, does it come with a helpful CD that has more useful tips and explanatory videos? 🙂

  2. Wonderful stuff, Suzanne. Bit concerned that i could feel your children shining through in that basement! Mental stimulus very close at hand, eh? Be proud of this, it’s excellent.

  3. I od’ed on Lovecraft earlier this year to refresh my memory and prep for a Lovecraftian RPG group we did over the summer. This was very cute and light and just pure fun.

    1. I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the reblog. 🙂

      Which RPG did you play? My friends and I used to run Call of Cthulhu (many years ago!).

  4. Why does conjuring always have unwanted side effects? Maybe Cthulu baby could be convinced that tofoat (like tofurkey, but with goats) is a reasonable facsimile…especially if you feed it to him using airplane noises. Much less messy than real goats.

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